Today, modesty has gotten a bad wrap. It seems that only prudes, the self-righteous, or the fearful are those who care about modesty. Modesty is one of those virtues that our culture has written off as uptight and outdated; it is only about rules, restriction and repression. But that is the wrong idea entirely! You may think that modesty only applies to how low-cut your shirt may be, but I want you to see that modesty is not about rules, it about our hearts.

For the Christian, modesty is about finding that balance between living in the world but not being of the world. To even begin to think about modesty we must start with the simple fact that God created us with physical bodies—we’re not just spirits floating around the planet, but we are images of God, in flesh and blood—which means that how we handle our bodies is important.

The root of much of our sin comes from a deep-seated selfishness and desire for independence from God. We can use almost anything to deal with these attitudes, whether it is money, words, or even our body. There are many ways that we can use our bodies for completely selfish agendas, specifically to get attention, to have power over others, and to hide insecurities. Have you ever used your body or your appearance in these ways?

Let me be specific: do you dress to be noticed and get attention and praise for your looks? Do you dress for the approval and praise of even your girlfriends? Do you dress to reveal your body in a sexual way to get attention from guys around you? Do you wear specific clothes because you know that it will give you the upper hand in relationships—with guys or with girls? Do you dress to hide your fears and insecurities, hoping that being unattractive will help you avoid being known by others? Do you dress so you can avoid being feminine? Do you dress to hide your guilt or shame over something you have done? If we are honest with ourselves, I think the answer is “yes” to most of these questions at some point in our lives.

Asking these questions leads us to the deeper motivations of our hearts and our desire to be in control. The goal of my life as a Christian is not to get everything that I want—to be loved and admired by friends (and particularly guys)—but the goal is to follow Christ. Modesty helps me keep those desires in check so that my goal is to know the Lord and not simply succumb to my idolatry of being loved, known, or beautiful. Modesty is not what changes our hearts—only Jesus Christ can do that—but when Christ has changed us, modesty is a natural outflow of his grace.

So what is modesty? Modesty is a virtue related to moderation and appropriateness. If you think about it, we can exercise modesty in a number of different ways, but especially for women, modesty plays a major role in how we deal with our appearance. All of our outward actions reveal inner realities; the way we dress tells a story about us and it reveals our hearts. When we are modest, we communicate that we are not just sexual bodies or entities; you are more than the sum of your physical parts. I think that modesty gives you freedom—freedom to embrace your femininity in the best ways. You can become more human and more female/feminine because you show that you are more than just a body, you are a whole person. Modesty requires us to seek the wisdom of the Lord because we have to determine how to honor God and present our bodies because they are temples of the Holy Spirit.

Girls and young women used to learn modesty from their mothers. Sadly, now that is often not a safe option for younger generations. It is hard to find godly women who are dressing in a way that is modeling godliness through modest dress. I am not trying to be hard on moms. I am simply stating what young girls have told me, what I have witnessed with my own eyes, and what I know will be a struggle for me when I have a teenager. The reality is that this is not a struggle that disappears when you get married or have a teenage daughter. This side of heaven, a war wages inside of us that longs to have our independence from God. We will want to use our bodies in ways that please us, and we will forget that our bodies are not our own.

The Italian designer Miuccia Prada said in an interview, "With women, the more unhappy they are, the more undressed they are." Yet when we wear less, we usually feel even more self-conscious and insecure. So when we are modest, we are not so consumed with getting attention and can actually give attention to the needs of others rather. I (Casey) remember very vividly battling this issue one night in college. It was a first date with a guy I liked a lot. We were going to his fraternity formal. I spent hours pouring over what I would wear. Questions swirled in my head as I prepared for the big night. My goal was to have him find me attractive and have my friends think I looked “cute.” Was the dress too low cut? Was it too tight? Would it get his attention? What would my friends think? (If we are honest, we often dress more for our friends’ approval than anyone else’s). I left my apartment that night feeling utterly insecure, and those feelings lingered until I got home. I knew the dress was too tight and too low cut. I pulled up and pulled down on the dress all night long. I was afraid I was revealing too much, and I was. The insecurity that comes with immodesty, for a Christian, is overwhelming. That night, I was overwhelmed with insecurity and I never enjoyed the date, the dancing or the fun night with my friends.

Modesty is not a series or set of rules—I wish it were that simple! We crave the directness and rigidity of rules that make our decisions black and white—deciding that skirts can only be so short or a top can only be so low is not solving the problem. An attitude like this can lead us to legalism and self-righteousness. The last thing that we need is a bunch of self-righteous people running around with rulers measuring skirts and necklines! But, running to the other extreme makes us think that we have the freedom to do whatever we want without any consequence. Our bodies are not our own. They belong to God.

So practically, what can you do?

Pray. Pray that God would give you wisdom as you seek to honor him and serve and love others with your body and how you dress.

Examine your motives in how you dress. Ask yourself the searching questions about why you are doing what you are doing. What is driving your decisions?

Think about what you buy and wear. Pay attention to your second thoughts and listen to those voices in your head that start to nag at you about your clothes: “Is this too tight, too low, etc.?” If you have to ask someone if it is too tight or too low, it probably is. Don’t mindlessly follow the fashions and trends of the day. Frankly, this means that we may not be able to wear whatever fashion says we should wear.

Talk with your friends. Admit your confusion to each other about your motives and actions. Ask each other the hard questions and start being honest. Honesty entails telling each other if something is inappropriate

Be honest and wise about your fashion influences. It may be okay to gain fashion advice/influence from Seventeen Magazine, and it also may not be okay. Be honest about where you are gaining your knowledge and standards from with regard to modesty. (Example: Just because other Christians are wearing it, does not make it okay.)

Recognize the freedom that comes from dressing modestly. There is much joy and freedom in not dressing too provocatively. What is fun about having to tug on clothes throughout the day and night? Think of the times when you knew what you were wearing was not causing someone else to stumble; wasn’t that a huge relief? How about the freedom of feeling like your identity was wrapped up in being a daughter of the King, rather than trying to find identity and worth in clothing?